Pinned

When you are sick in a foreign country, when your body is too tired to get out of bed and your mind is too bored to quiet itself, when you have stared at the ceiling for all of the hours that compose several days time- then, sometimes, you begin to learn a few things.  You are made to sit like a child and you wait to be taught.  You become a student of your own history.

When all of the comforts of home lay on the other side of the world, when all of the distractions you crave are unavailable to your grasping hands, when you suddenly realize that you are the pendulum swinging at once to worry about the future and then to grief over the past-then, you become aware of the present. You wonder how many hours you have spent turning in that process which yeilds no harvest of wisdom or growth. You, in a fog of resentment have recounted the years that seemingly shortened and evaporated and then realize that the fault lies with you-it was you who drifted through them numbly like a ghost. You have a change of heart-you wish you could have them back-you wish you could be present for each of those unrecognized moments.

When you feel like the butterfly pinned to the velvet wall and the truth about yourself is inescapable. When you start wondering for the first time in a long time what stands behind your reasoning, what drives your motivation, when you consider that "rock you would be willing to die on"...it becomes increasingly more clear. Sometimes you were unselfish and loved people easily and most of the time you weren't and didn't. Sometimes you acted out of the goodness of your heart, most of the time out of the calculating machine of your head.

Friends, I have lived only a few days in this place. Already I see a great many things I could have done differently, I knew to do better, and still I chose my comfort over your blessing. Forgive me, please.

I am not desparing nor am I wallowing in depression, so don't assume wrongly that I am in a destructive place- I am in a dark place actually, but my heart is widening, my eyes are finding the light and my feet feel weightless with the hope of change. Looking forward to coming home and living differently,

Love you all,
Ev